Check out the latest episode of the Witch: Radiant + Rooted podcast as Kim and I discuss doing less summoning and more cleansing to work with what is honestly some pretty basic astrology during October.
Everyone’s favourite Herbal Goddess on Earth, Chez, guides us through working with the prickly energy of the month with Nettle.
We’re gonna try something different here this month, fitting given the astro-weather we are working with this June. We are mid-eclipse season Mercury is all over the place & things are a little wonky. Or downright off the chart. So we will be flexible & go with the feeling. What else can we do?
If June astro were a song…
…it would be Bohemian Rhapsody. Let’s take something traditional & turn it on its head. Then inside out. What about backwards, in a different colour? How is it looking now?
What we are looking at, feeling, hearing is…peculiar, no? Melancholy or frustration may be bubbling up from our inner bits over changes that we know, we just know, have to happen. Nervous energy, anxiety, eagerness to get going but who knows where, are shaking us to our core. This would be the two mighty celestial gods, Saturn and Uranus squaring off, again. They are mid-fight in their three bout 2021 smackdown & it is starting to feel imperative that we do SOMETHING. Disruption is necessary. The gift is knowing where the disruption will pay the greatest dividends.
Mid month we get a clear idea of where to place our bets. Mercury will step into the centre of the Sun, surely the most epic cleansing sauna ever!
Use this time to quiet the inner & outer chatter & really look at what is in your heart. Our inner truth is readily accessible at this time. Staying true to ourselves, with integrity, is never a bad move.
Communication is all over the place in June
Not only is Mercury retrograde in their home sign of Gemini until the 23rd June AEST, it is also irritated by the fog of Neptune. The Sun & Venus follow Mercury into the Neptunian mists, making the chance for miscommunications, mistakes & outright delusions very likely. Overthinking, check. Waking at 3am to overthink about something that happened two years ago & is no longer relevant to anyone but our 3am selves? Check. Again, a gentle reminder – personal integrity will make reparations to ourselves & others much more bearable once the fog clears. Neptune can bring insight, if you can keep the goals in sight. Don’t be surprised if the grind of the Saturn + Uranus square inclines one to reach for a daily nightcap or two (?!?) of relief in a glass etc until the end of the month when Mercury’s retrograde ends.
While we are drowning our sorrows sensibly imbibing & enjoying the spectacular sunsets of June, that rainbow on the horizon there?
That’s Venus and Mars moving into ever-loving Leo this month & sticking with the musical theme of this month’s astro vibe, Donna Summer’s oh so sexy ‘Love to Love You Baby’ springs to mind. If you don’t know it, you should. And when you do, you’re welcome 😉
We are all keen as mustard about Jupiter dipping into Pisces mid-month, it will be delightful, for sure. But May will be all about the Lunar Nodes. Yes, again! Same same. But different.
A little getting to know you on the Nodes before we dive into May astrology. The North Node in our birth chart is focused, it’s where we want to be but it’s just so much hard work. Any knowledge we gain from our North Node we hold close & give away sparingly. We had to work hard for it, so everyone else can too! The South Node in our birth chart is more readily dispersed, we are so damn comfortable here it feels too easy. We freely share our South Node knowledge, hell, we were born knowing it so why not give it away!
Our natal South Node placement is where we hold sole power over what happens, we are the Kings and Queens of this space. Our North Node placement needs an ‘other’ to get things happening. The goal – karmic purpose if you will – is the achieve balance between the Nodes. It takes a lifetime, or maybe many, who knows for sure, right? But this is what is required to master the Nodal opposition. And a taut & thin tightrope it is indeed.
The Lunar Nodes aka the North & South Nodes are always opposing each other. When the Moon gets close to one Node or the other, we have eclipses. We will see (literally here in Australia!) our first eclipse this year on the 26/5 AEST. It’s a total lunar eclipse & it will be a definite tension point if it is hitting your chart. And in general. But we expect this from eclipses, no?
This month we get the opportunity to work with the Nodes all month long. It probably won’t be a comfortable job, but doing the Work never is. But it will feel ‘right’ & satisfying come the month’s end if we get to it using May’s celestial assistance.
The first week in May we get our Old Master of Responsibility – Saturn – working with the Nodes, happily providing us time & inclination to engage in the Work with purpose. Pay attention to what comes up at the beginning of the month. What feels too hard? What flows easily? These two things will be important for the rest of the month when…
Our favourite wise old Centaur, Chiron, steps in, replacing Saturn as he wonders off to lay low for a while (hallelujah!). From the second week in May all the way past the eclipse at the end of the month, we get the opportunity, dare I say, pleasure, of helpful aspects between the Nodes and Chiron. A chance to untangle the knots!
So, what does this mean for us? Imagine standing in front of a locked door that holds some sort of personal treasure. We have no idea what the treasure is but we know it’s important to us. We want it. It is ours so let us in! During May Chiron and the Nodes provide us with a keyring full of keys and the Work is to find the key that unlocks that door & shows us the goodies inside.
This is the time to recalibrate our goals, & if you have none in mind, get that shit sorted now & set some up. Manifesting starts with a plan. And YOLO doesn’t cut it when the Nodes are involved.
Here is how we do it (personal safety first of course!) –
Look at what is easy & comfortable; how & where can we share this knowledge most effectively?
What makes us uncomfortable or anxious, what is our ‘It’?
Where can we find the ‘other’ who can assist us here?
What is the worst that can happen if we don’t run away from ‘It’?
How will we feel if we don’t even try ‘It’?
This May, make time for contemplation each day, a few minutes wisely spent.
April brings us into a more intimate astrological cycle than we have had recently. Plenty of movement in the sky from the planets that we are physically closest to in space, plenty of movement below, in our personal space.
There is a noticeable shift in our communications & thoughts as Mercury whizzes out of dreamy, elusive Pisces, through active, bluntly direct Aries, & into a more considered & practical state of mind in Taurus, all within the first 15 days?!
Ever-loving Venus steps gracefully off the Aries battlefield & is warmly welcomed into her luxurious, comfortable Taurus home to recover & redress (actions and clothes, ofc!). Any recent tussles or harsh words with beloveds can be soothed from the 19th, when the other person’s point of view suddenly makes sense. And if we are still missing the point there may be a sharp & shocking tipping point in the last week of April to wake, & shake, us up.
The star of the astrological show this month is the famous double act known as the Lunar Nodes aka the North Node & South Node; Rahu & Ketu; the Dragon’s head & the Dragon’s tail; our destiny & our natural-born talents.
With plenty of planetary activity engaging these two non-physical astrological points, in April we get the opportunity to focus on our direction, utilising our innate talents, & a perhaps a lucky break, to assist us. There is a lovely progression to the planetary themes the Nodes touch this month – our values & relationships; our identity & self-belief; our communications & thoughts; & most significantly, our steady determination & forward planning to overcome obstacles preventing us from getting to where we want to be.
Be on the lookout for opportunity & assistance from those we interact with in our everyday lives. And don’t hold back from being someone else’s helping hand!
Karma is at play, but perhaps not in the Westernised way we have come to view the concept. Doing something good or nice for someone else so that good things come around to you is not quite the type of gift being offered here. The current astrological energy is more aligned with doing right with integrity, assisting someone else simply because you can, without external thanks or recognition, while acknowledging the lift in your perception of your actions, internally.
Don’t overthink it, not that fast-moving Mercury will give you much of a chance! Enjoy the dynamic & pleasant vibe of what promises to be a lively & lovely April. A little effort goes a long way right now ?
Here we are folks. There’s a feeling in the skies that the real beginning of 2021 is upon us. And I don’t just mean because it’s the beginning of the astrological new year, when the Sun moves into Aries late March. But HNY anyway ?
March feels easier. If you are after more excitement and drama (though please, do tell, why??), hang in there until the end of the month. But if you are after a break, some assistance, a little breathing space – here it is. No retrogrades. No planetary pile-ups. No overblown, hyperbolic scary bits to saturate your news feed. Just an ordinary month.
This month we celebrate more than just calmer astro weather as old Sol, our mighty life-giving Sun, saunters into Aries for the Equinox. A time of rebirth for our Northern hemisphere pals. A time to slow down and embrace the cooler seasons for us Southerners. We may feel utterly inspired, or happily delusional, as the Sun meets with Neptune in the first half of the month, then dallies with Venus in the second half. Go with it, it’s been a tough year since they last danced together. But know that while the dance may be fleeting, the consequences, not so. Be true to yourself, but maintain integrity for your dance partner/s.
My Astrological Stars of the Show this month are planetoid Chiron and asteroid Ceres. Chiron’s astrological glyph reminds us of a key, but to which door? Ceres is nurturing and motherly, but at what cost? Her glyph looks like a question mark – almost – yet there is a line through the centre of the question. Our boundaries shift with our moods, our desires, our age, and stage, in life. Our boundaries meet those of others in our sphere. How do we ensure our concept of our loving, nurturing selves does not cross the line between loving guidance and plain old interference?
This month we get a helping hand.
Many of them actually. There are opportunities a-plenty of assistance, guidance, mentors and all round good feelings and support. We will offer the same. This will, of course, require effort on our part. To recognise support when it is offered. To accept the wisdom of others when it is shared. To recognise mentors when they appear, even though they may be clothed differently to what we expect.
There are plenty of opportunities for inspiration to strike, and better yet, take form. Plans made will bear fruit. Patience may be lacking, especially later in the month as planetary activity steps up a gear. But patience is a virtue, and a much better aspiration than any of the ‘seven sins’. We had plenty of time to indulge those delightful terrors in 2020. Perhaps it’s time to focus on wholehearted goodness? The word ‘integrity’ keeps springing to the front and centre of my mind.
The struggle to strive for temperance in the last few days of March is real.
There may be a hunger that cannot be satiated, a divine discontent that we cannot locate the cause of.
As above, so below. Look to the night sky. Enjoy the morning sunrise.
Take a moment to appreciate You, and your story. And accept that every human you meet has their own tale to tell. Or not.
The Major Astrological Event on everyone’s calendar this month is the looming tension between the mighty Titan, Saturn (Cronos) & his father, the Original Earth God, Uranus.
Exact on February 18th in Australia, this battle between the old ways & the inevitable new will stir up all kinds of emotions as the Moon brings up the deep feels. We know change must happen but feel restricted in our options. How to move forward through restrictions & constrictions, whether this will be external or internal will depend on how active this square is in your birth chart.
There is assistance available through the whole of February from a helpful aspect to Saturn from the centaur planetoid Chiron. When we see where we need to push through broken down structures in our life, kindly Chiron is ready to assist us in healing through educating ourselves or seeking outside counsel to shift what no longer serves us. Breakthroughs may not be gentle, but they will be just the panacea we needed. Even if we only realise in hindsight.
And there will be plenty of hindsight happening, with everyone’s favourite retrograde here again, already. Mercury will be moving backwards across the loaded Aquarian skies until 21st February. When the old Trickster goes retrograde through Air signs (Aquarius, Gemini, Libra), as it will for the next twelve months or so, we find our thoughts turning to how we communicate in our relationships – are we being heard clearly? Are we listening properly? Is there clarity in our words, our mind? Do we understand what we are being told?
Aquarius is a Fixed sign so there may be a few stubborn overgrown pathways that need to be cleared to find a less cluttered trail to walk on in our journey forward. Retrograde or not, forward is the only direction Aquarian energy is focused on. Get with the program by tearing it up & starting afresh.
After all this pondering about how we communicate, the best time to have any difficult conversations will come later in the month. By doing the work on ourselves first, we will be better equipped to deal with the outcome when we start to give voice to our new way of thinking, speaking, hearing. The future may look so bright we have to wear shades when we are in our own mind, but a gently, gently approach will work wonders in our conversations with others. If we run up against walls & boundaries at this time, then we must respect them. Not everyone will be receptive to lightening fast change.
The end of February brings a sense of feasting & purging to heal & recoup. So much has changed in the last 12 months, more has meant less, & less is still more…the impossible happened & it’s finally feeling like the time to move forward. We have been waiting for 2021 to really begin, rather than 2020 lingering on & on.
21st February 10:51am AEST – Mercury 11 Aquarius – Stations Direct
25th February 11:11pm AEST – Venus 0 Pisces
February Magical Moment Election
Just before the Full Moon, beginning when the moon is at 8’49” Virgo, applying to the Ascendant at 4’26” Virgo and finish by 6:17pm AEST when the Moon exactly opposes the Sun.
Check out the Witch: Radiant + Rooted podcast for more in-depth discussion on this magical election and plenty more from the wonderful WWR witches Kim & Chez. And of course, always check these Magical Moments with your own astrology chart to ensure there are no harsh aspects or hindrances!
There is a fated feel to January. Too much shifting energy too fast tends to unsettle us humans, unless we have instigated it of course.
We may have set events in motion months ago without having an actual clear view of where we would end up. So here we are. 2020 is over. Except it isn’t. We still have loose ends to tie up & coal to sift through to find the diamonds formed from all the pressure we have been under.
There is a lot going on astrologically atm, you may have noticed…
The tension between Mars in Taurus & Saturn in Aquarius shows our actions have consequences. Full stop.
Mercury & the Sun activate Pluto in the first half of the month stirring up deep hidden issues around our communications & our ego. Venus gets a brief turn at the end of the month & our values make the call.
Jupiter & Chiron show us wanting to find a way to heal but resistance comes from Mars in the hot spot all month. Things look explosive. I sincerely hope not literally.
The Capricorn New Moon is on ‘sort this shit out starting from the top’ Pluto. The Leo Full Moon is amplified by Jupiter & feeling the tension & unpredictability of Uranus & Mars.
As we shift our focus to the future, there will be no forgetting 2020.
There will be no ‘return to normal’.
We expected to be all the best things, all the time & love all of it. Most of us could not & did not. It is not natural to our rhythms as human beings. The health, beauty & leisure industries has become billion-dollar Big Business. Yet we feel less healthful, less beautiful & have less leisure time.
So We Ask Ourselves
The world is damaged, it has changed, we have changed – how can we keep the change going, & grow with it?
Are we representing ourselves & our ego, or our future?
Are we prepared to acknowledge our mistakes & make reparations?
Are we ready to accept that we have fucked up by politicizing issues that should be wrapped in integrity?
Will we continue to place celebrity, wealth & beauty on a pedestal, but not our healthcare workers?
Nothing like a pandemic warped by politics to make us seek answers.
Of course 2020 goes out with a bang, not a whimper! I recently had the pleasure of chatting all things eclipse with my talented and sassy colleague, astrologer Kim Fairminer.
Kim and I look at each sign to see where you’ll be feeling the burn, or burn out. Check out your rising sign too if you know it, via the time stamps in the comments on the vid.
Hitting Australia in the wee hours of 15th December at 23 degrees of Sagittarius, this eclipse will be visible across South America and the western side of Southern Africa. Check out Time & Date for more information.
As always, we advise against manifesting or setting New Moon intentions during the eclipse. Hold off for a day or so, eclipses can and do produce rather erratic energies. Not exactly the type of vibe you’d want to capture in a spell jar or even on paper, and be stuck with for another 6 months. 2020 has been quite enough, thank you very much.
While this Sagittarian Solar Eclipse is fuelled by fire, the planetary ruler is ol’ Jupiter on the last few days of a very restrictive and uncomfortable stay in Capricorn. If you asked my advice I’d recommend sticking to the rules, stick to the facts and stick with plodding along for now. But you probably won’t want advice, you’ll want action. Me too, me too…
There is a definite do first, think later feel to this eclipse. So if you can’t stop, won’t stop, simply cannot slow down to take a breathe, or bear to hear any words of wisdom, this next line should be easy to remember –
And keep a hose handy to put out the little eruptions started in the heat of the moment in your quest for freedom. You’re welcome!
I placed a few eclipse themed easter eggs in my background for a little added zing. Let Kim and I know in the vid comments if you spot any, I had a blast planning them. A bit of safe Sag eclipse fun ?
Join the ever so clever Kim Fairminer and yours truly as we dive right into the next eclipse & offer some horoscope advice on where the splash will land in your life.
The first eclipse of this season sees us into the silly season on November 30, 2020, at 7.29pm AEST here in Australia. This will be a penumbral, or partial, lunar eclipse in Gemini at around 9 degrees. For more info on visibility in your part of the world, check it out here at https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/lunar/2020-november-30
Lunar eclipses occur with Full Moons, so do not expect this to be a calm or rational lunation.
Not a great time for harnessing the energy for manifestation.
But a great time for releasing, cleansing and letting go of crap you no longer need.
Bring on the pre-Xmas clean out!
Hazy, dazey Neptune has reappeared from the zodiacal background to take a starring role in this eclipse, so be prepared to feel even more lethargic than the usual full moon sleepiness. Neptune is inclined to swing both ways, bringing both inspiration and delusion. Truth & clarity will be elusive, in spite of the Mercurial energy of the Gemini Moon and the deep investigative skills of ol’ Merc currently hanging out in Scorpio.
Best advice, no bullcrapping- to yourself, or to others.
The Solar eclipse will be hot on the trail in two weeks time, shining a bright solar light on everything hidden now.
It was my birthday this week. My Solar Return is usually a week long Festival of Everything I Love. But the astrology at the moment is quite horrid, you may have noticed, and my birthday was a quiet & sober affair.
So to make it more of an event, I am offering 40% off all Birth Chart & Year Ahead consultations for 48 hours!
The Fine Print
Book a Birth Chart or Year Ahead consultation between 5:30am AEST Saturday 17th October 2020 and 5:30am AEST Monday 19th October 2020 to receive 40% off ~
Birth Chart consultation ~ on sale ~ $78/90 minutes
Year Ahead consultation ~ on sale~ $60/60 minutes
Consults must be booked between 5:30am 17/10/20 AEST & 5:30am 19/10/20 AEST to receive the discount
All discounted Birth Chart & Year Ahead consultations must be used between now and the 19th December 2020
Please, no gifting of bookings on behalf of someone else. A consultation works best when the client wants an astrology reading
Happy Birthday to my fellow Librans! And much love to everyone who has had their special days cancelled, altered or changed forever in 2020. I have no words that can ease or soothe or fix what we have lived through. Just love, respect and honouring this very human experience. It’s all we’ve got really, isn’t it?
40% off Birth Chart and Year Ahead consultations bookings has ended.
I recently had a fun chat about the astro drama brewing for the final leg of 2020 with my very talented colleague, astrologer Kim Fairminer on her YouTube channel. We’ve got all your Mars retrograde issues sorted and bagged for easy handling as we head into 2021.
Kim and I take a look at Mars in Aries and what this upcoming retrograde will feel like. Of course we couldn’t avoid bringing everyone’s favourite taskmaster Saturn to the party for kicks. Just kidding, Saturn is impossible to ignore and no fun at parties. However it is good at doing everything Mars dislikes, and the square off between these two very different energies is at best a storm in a teacup that feels like a typhoon in an Olympic size swimming pool. And at worst? Well, take a look below and see where it will be hitting your chart.
Horoscopes or Horror-scopes?
It isn’t all bad, of course not! We wrapped up this Mars Saturn smackdown with a fun and slightly sassy look at what this transit might mean for each sign. If you do find yourself weighed down with the heaviness at the business end of this transit, please know that you are not alone. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, it just may be around the corner from where you are right now.
Kim is an amazing and talented astrologer, pop on over to her gorgeous website and follow her on FB and IG for regular astro updates. Kim and I are co-organisers of the Brisbane Astrology Enthusiasts group. If you are lucky enough to live in South East Queensland find us on Meetup and follow us on your socials for notification of upcoming events.
If you land on this page, you are probably well versed in the latest astro drama brewing in the skies. This month, and for the rest of 2020, it’s all about Life with Mars. First we see it screaming through its home town of Aries, happy as a pig in poo*. By mid September that smell isn’t coming from the pig, it’s the smell of brakes as Mars screeches to a halt and begrudgingly goes back over the same roads its just travelled aka goes retrograde.
And it is a very pissed planet, having to look at the same old stuff again instead of charging ahead into new territory as it is wont to do. Just wait until it realises it’s a three times trip across the same landscape. Each time Mars squares off with Saturn, it is frustrating for Mars and antagonising for Saturn. The first hit is at the end of August, next hit is the end of September and first few days of October and then one final time in the middle of January, albeit with a sign change for both Big Baddies with Mars into Taurus and Saturn into Aquarius. Mars loses strength in Taurus, thank all deities for that small blessing. I think I speak for us all when I sigh a heartfelt “oof”.
So we have Mars in Aries going against its direct, assertive and impatient nature. And it is stepping into the ring with Saturn, the elder statesperson of Get Your Shit Together-ness, who is also retrograde rn but seems to be making the most of it, as Saturn in Capricorn does. Mars is bored, frustrated and not really paying attention coz, like, been here before so nothing interesting to see. Saturn is checking its foundations are solid and stable, because it ain’t gonna be here again for quite a while so may as well make the most of it and get to work from the inside out.
It’s been a tough year for the planets too
From September 10th/11th depending on where you reside on Earth, you, me and the whole damn world are going to be spectators of the planetary square off of 2020. We are so close to the finish line. Some of us will be covered in crap and blood and pig poo. Some of us are flinging the crap, blood and pig poo. These last few months are going to be the make or break of 2020 us. Mars is in Aries, Saturn is in Capricorn. These are both cardinal signs, and cardinal signs love to start things. Seeing it to the end is not their job, they are already off to start something new before the last job is even half way completed. There is no shying away from this three round fight. If it isn’t happening to you directly, you will most certainly be watching, living with or attempting to avoid the flying poo. No escape. So, basically 2020, but in a short Netflix must-see series. Remember the olden days of 2020 when y’all went nuts for Tiger King? You can’t believe you did that, right? Well here we are again, but in our own lives not Netflix. Yay.
When good Mars goes bad
Mars in Aries gives us action, drive, energy. We feel direct, assertive, courageous, or reckless depending on how you feel about the definition of courage. We seek the heat, we get impatient with the heat and we fire up quickly from the heat. Then it’s gone, all burned up and all good now. Mars in Aries cuts and burns and really doesn’t mean to, it’s just how it is, no time for apologies.
Retrograde Mars in Aries is frustrated, reactive, impotent. We feel passive aggressive, full of suppressed rage and bile. It has to come out. Burn up. Cut off the painful bits. It will hurt, but not for long. And why does everything take s o m u c h e f f o r t ?
We see, hear, or experience accidents, injuries, headaches, inflammation and rashes. We crave hot and spicy and then complain when it burns. We are reckless with sharp things, both physical and verbal. Bugs bite, road rage abounds, reckless behaviour begets regret, but only long after the event.
But it’s not all bad. Right?
No. Not everything is smelling like the pig’s delight. But there will certainly be an uncomfortable vibe in a particular area of life rn. Whether this square off between Mars and Saturn hits you hard and knocks you out, or merely pulls you up enough to pause and have a long ponder on the discomfort and how to remove it, well that depends on a few things. Your natal chart, transits, progressions, projections, returns…you will only know, when you feel it. And you are probably feeling it, or not, right about now. Which is exactly why everyone needs their own personal astrologer, just sayin’.
Band-aids suitable for cuts and burns
Ok, so how do we navigate and perhaps even remediate this hot cold, fast slow mess, or at least try to minimise the drama? Can we? Dare we? Of course we do, it’s the Life with Mars show!
Mars is energy, Saturn is time. We take the time to burn the energy so we don’t get burned up or out. Retrogrades are do-over time. If you find yourself frustrated at being back on familiar ground, try looking at it from a different perspective. Handstands are effective, though perhaps just stopping and laying down on the ground to stare at the clouds would be sufficient too.
But just in case, and with tongue firmly in cheek, here are your sassy and definitely NSFW Mars in Aries Rx square Saturn in Capricorn Rx horoscopes/survival tips/band-aids for getting through the next two months with a smile on your dial and your life relatively intact by the end of it.
If your Sun or Ascendant is in –
Aries – Burn yourself out with exercise. Get sweaty. Love yourself sick because you are so damn hot. Now take a cold shower, have a tantrum because cold showers suck and your usual assertive ways aren’t being appreciated enough for the effort you put in to getting shit done. Rinse. Repeat.
Taurus – 2020 so far may have you deeply pondering the Meaning Of It All. Or deeply frustrated with everyone else failing to see The Point Of It All and just have faith. Humans, huh?! Take a long nap, you deserve it
Gemini – Your debts to society are really cranking you up. Staying in and sorting out your taxes may not sound like the most fun you’ve had this year, or maybe it is, ’cause 2020. But it sure beats going out with the gang and ending up further in debt for something you didn’t even enjoy. Drop your phone in the loo and stay home instead
Cancer – You don’t have to stay where you are Cancer. You are a successful person. You eat the competition for breakfast. You don’t have to put up with this crap. Just remember what they say about keeping your enemies closer. Try separate beds for a while yeah?
Leo – Oh Leo, I hear you. What is the point of the daily grind if you’ve had your wings clipped and can’t fly away to distant exotic beaches during your hols to be admired and adored? Well, your health is one reason. And your socials for two. Post and poo regularly
Virgo – Birth, death and taxes. Insurance. Loans. A stroll in the park for you usually Virgo. Usually. ATM it’s all feeling like you’ve killed your creativity to feed the banks and taxes. You’ll be right. Lube up buttercup and take a break, enjoy some hot (kinky?) fun. With protection. Kids tend to wreck both the bottomline on spreadsheets and all your kinks
Libra – So how awesome is it to spend So Much Time with your beloved/partner? All of your dreams have come true. So why do you feel you are being hugged by a boa constrictor. Practice fake snoring and politely offer to sleep in the spare bedroom for a while ‘so your partner gets a good rest’
Scorpio – You know you need to watch your health. The ads on TV know your weaknesses. It’s all too depressing. Do yourself a favour and delete Uber Eats. Only eat fast food if you are prepared to walk there and back to get it. You hate me now but to future you, you’re welcome
Sagittarius – There are only so many ways to have a good time on your own. You need money, other people need you. Get creative. Start an Only Fans. If you are lucky enough to be free to hook up, use protection. It’s not just your imagination that is fertile
Capricorn – You need a bigger office. With a big lock on the door. Paint a feature wall for all of your awards and honours. Get another lock installed. Sign up to the next season of Survivor. It will be a cakewalk after the last few years you’ve lived. Congrats in advance #winner
Aquarius – It is all a conspiracy. But no one will listen. Take the high road. Write angry letters to the local online newspaper or HOA. Anonymously ofc and using your neighbour’s VPN
Pisces – Show me the money!! Those outstanding payments for your hard work are burning you, hard. It is coming. In the meantime light a bonfire (outside!) and burn all your old financial records. Marshmallows are a tax deduction, right?
* “Happy as a pig in shit” is a common Aussie expression. We are professionals here so for the purposes of this article we have amended this saying to “happy as a pig in poo”